Sent: Saturday, June 14, 2003 9:27 PM
I hope you are still here. I'm pretty much fearless now and it's because of you. So I am saying thank you. I've not forgotten.
Sent: Sunday, June 15, 2003 8:32 AM
Subject: Re: Transmission
Even though I sent you a thank you note I am staying away from faceless communication as much as possible and that’s what you are. I prefer to type to those I actually speak to, face to face.
Sent: Sunday, June 15, 2003 6:19 PM
Subject: Becoming who you are
Yes, I found a place. I’m living in an old apartment building right in the middle of Hollywood and I absolutely love it. It’s everything I ever dreamed of. I walked last night till morning, till I could barely move. I felt so alone, but I knew I wasn’t. It was only a moment –a little fear. But this morning I woke up and painted and suddenly things made more sense.
Sent: Tuesday, June 17, 2003 8:49 AM
Subject: RE: Becoming who you are
I have to send this note, because I am concerned with how eager I am to email you, although I really do appreciate your advice, and want to communicate. I just don't think it is good for me to get back into this. You know where I am if and when you are ready to actually meet. I still believe in you and I am not giving up, but this is right. I hope you understand.
Sent: Friday, June 27, 2003 11:04 AM
Subject: Good golly, there is life
I dreamed of you. I've not been remembering my dreams so it is such a treat to have one in my memory. In the dream we met and you had to go away, on foot. You said you would come back and meet me further down the Boulevard. I questioned whether you would but you did. We were lying down together and I held you and felt your hair and your back. You were a bit apprehensive but it went away when you were in my arms.
Sent: Sunday, June 29, 2003 5:00 PM
Subject: Re: informed decisions
There is one thing I need to ask: could you give me a copy of our correspondences? After I picked up my computer from the house, the day I left William, I found that they had been deleted from my hard-drive, and I'd like to have them. My diaries from that time have also been deleted. Perhaps you have those as well? Did William let you have them? He said he gave them to you. I understand if it makes you feel awkward, but still, I'd like them. Please let me know either way.
Sent: Sunday, June 29, 2003 5:14 PM
Subject: Re: a moment
I will not write you a sexy story, I am sorry. I guess I understand why you don’t want to give me our correspondences. Anyway, I realize that I can use the diary entries I put on a disk and brought with me. I'd like you to see the project when I am done. So far I've completed two pieces based on them.
Sent: Monday, June 30, 2003 6:46 PM
Subject: Re: I can't resist.
This does not sound like who I imagine you to be. I want to know you, and this format is not real. I'm done with electronics. Honestly. I'm sorry if I sound hopeless. I’m really not. And I am not analyzing the past, as you say – I am embracing it and using it.
I did not respond to your last email last night because I was deeply involved in my latest work. No time to check for messages.
Sent: Monday, July 07, 2003 12:04 AM
Subject: Re: focus and flesh
Okay this is just not fair. No sir. You are a tease! And I will not respond with a story. I will wait for this that you imagined to actually occur. I really don't know what to think, aside from wanting you so much, with or without your story.
That is all I am going to say because I have so much work to do and would love it if your words became a reality.
Sent: Tuesday, July 08, 2003 2:06 AM
Subject: Re: I suppose the time is right now
I wrote one this morning, on my laptop, have to edit it before I can send it to you. You were right though I needed the release. In other news, I'm hosting a dinner party at my place tonight. I have new L.A. friends to entertain and so now I have to go get ready.
Sent: Wednesday, July 09, 2003 2:03 AM
Subject: Re: new header
I will respond to both of your messages later, I am busy now.
Sent: Friday, July 11, 2003 8:10 PM
Subject: Re: you
Okay, I’ve attached my story, I hope you like it.
Sent: Saturday, July 12, 2003 4:49 PM
Subject: Re: plans
I want out of this room and to be painting, loving, and fucking, you! I want to be where people are quiet but life is big because that is what your love gives me. I am breathless right now –overcome. Save me from this! No, don't save me. I can do it. Just love me.
Sent: Sunday, July 13, 2003 9:14 PM
Subject: Re: inspired R.E.M.
I feel so good tonight. My memories are black and gold and glorious in dirt and diamonds. It feels like you’ve been there, in-between moments I’ve already lived through! You've been with me during midnight drives on High Street in Santa Cruz, when I had to stop my car to hold my heart and my breath because it was the dead of night, and I was all alone on top of a hill watching the city sparkle. My whole life is like that now. I love you.
Sent: Monday, July 14, 2003 8:11 PM
Subject: I am
It seems distressingly clear that I have become some sort of mother-fucking wood sprite trotting hither and thither all over town.
Sent: Monday, July 14, 2003 8:23 PM
Subject: Re: Reducing Prices
Are you ever going to call me?
Sent: Monday, July 14, 2003 9:27 PM
Subject: Re: Your encounter letters.
Fuck you. And I Love you.
Sent: Tuesday, July 15, 2003 11:24 AM
Subject: Re: failure delivery
Well, I expected a negative response out of you. I realize that my infatuation with you is ridiculous. Anyway, work, work, work. Yes, I've got plenty of it. It’s coming along though. Thoughts of fucking help the process, I think.
Sent: Tuesday, July 15, 2003 2:27 PM
Subject: Re: Trust
Ever since I got to Los Angeles I get these extreme peaks of joy. Once I reach that fine place though, I quickly come to a very painful one. I was dancing last night, I felt great, and then it hit me and I had to leave. It overcame me. Like you said though, my sense of optimism runs deep. I trust in my love for you. You are my gem.
Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2003 9:46 AM
Subject: Communication breakdown
I suppose you are talking about my weak moments, in regard to dealing with people around me, well, you are the only one that I share these kinds of doubts with. I am not sorry for sharing them with you either. Oh, but I am so sorry that you don't want to hear lovey-dovey talk because my “lovely-dovey” thoughts for you have inspired thirteen new paintings! I began them this morning and just completed them along with hand painted frames this early evening. They are a series of "flowers,” a bouquet for you. I am surprised because I think they are pretty good, and I see that I had to do the work that I used my diaries for before being able to move onto this. I feel so good about it, I am not even bothered by your scolding note.
So kisses and kisses and dreams of you in my bed, all naked and full of tenderness and love, love and more love. I've been filled with thoughts of you today! If you can’t take the love-talk then you should come get with me!
Seriously, I need to be focused on you in this way, whether it bothers you or not. I am not interested in spreading myself thin by thinking of other people right now. You are too close to being mine and my work is finally starting to gel.
Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2003 11:27 AM
Subject: Re: Communication breakdown
I really want you to understand something. In discovering myself I’ve learned to accept “selfishness.” I know now that this doesn’t make me a bad person, though it may seem that way to some people, and I don’t want the hundred grand as much as I want the freedom to do what I love.
That said, you are right, my fear caused me to want the money but I’m learning how to navigate through my new life. I don’t like how William does things, so I’ve been troubled, since he’s the one planning the sale of the house. I have thought a lot about this, and realize that you are correct. The bottom line is; I don’t trust him, and so I’d rather wash my hands as clean of him as I can.
Perhaps I am being impractical for not taking it. I don’t entirely trust you either. I know that to someone on the outside it could seem like I am doing just what you tell me to do, because you’re telling me not to take the money. And even if you refer me to art dealers, as you say you will, that does not mean I will choose to use them. They may not even want to support my work. I put my whole self into all that I do. It’s not just the work that I make. It’s my image, my identity, along with telling the stories that led to making them. I know that the choices I make matter.
I tried to call William today with no luck. I'll try again later.
Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2003 8:41 PM
I spoke to William and things are moving along. He says the deed transfer and loan should be done in perhaps less than three weeks, ugh. But at least there is an estimated time to look at now. I trust all of the complicated and tangled financial complications will be handled all right, despite the fact that I barely comprehend any of it. My loan agent seems to be pretty good. I like her, despite the fact that William found her. I’m going to call her after I finish this email to you. Numbers really give me a hard time, but trusting those who I need to in these matters is key, it works. You wrote that to me in an older message from months ago, and I didn't really absorb it until after actually living through it on my own. Anyway, I am just about bursting in anticipation.
Sent: Saturday, July 19, 2003 10:35 AM
Subject: Re: my story
I am working hard toward gaining interest with dealers. I have about four serious ones in mind, though it’s not yet time to approach them. I understand the path, and I am trusting that I’ll know when the moment is right. I suppose now, with your advice, and with the awareness that I am selling my work in Northern California, that it’s a good time, but it has to be something real, if you catch my drift. I feel like my work is decent, and I know what sort of show I'd like to get together, and for what kind of gallery. It’s a matter of timing.
Sent: Saturday, July 19, 2003 11:53 AM
Subject: Re: my story
Hmmm. Odd note.
Sent: Saturday, July 19, 2003 10:59 PM
Subject: RE: my story
I had a talk with William this evening. It was time. I was ready to talk to him about his perspective on everything. I needed to find out where his head was at and my God, how clear it is now; how clear he is to me now. My perception of him was so clouded! I’m shocked at all I was blind to see. This is not written for the sake of judgment; it’s an observation. He still doesn’t get it, he never did. And that is just the way it is. Anyway, the real reason for this note is to let you know that it seems the house may be sold next week! We should not get our hopes raised too high, but it seems to be going along swimmingly.
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 12:11 AM
Subject: Re: me
Oh my goodness, you want me to get a passport? This afternoon I have an errand to run and I will get the application from the post office on the way. It makes me so happy too. To finally think I’ll have a chance to hear your actual voice, and listen to your ideas, in person! –What bliss. It doesn’t matter where I hear them. I don’t care where we go.
I meant to send you a note letting you know that my appointment went well. HIV results will arrive in a few days, the rest is "if no news in two weeks then good news,” but upon observation and my health characteristics, the doctor says I appear to be in tip-top condition. I no longer have an odd heartbeat. Did you know that I had a strange heartbeat for a while? It scared me once. I thought I was dying. My heart is fine now though, perhaps because of you. How beautiful!
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 12:57 AM
Subject: Re: memory
That's a wonderful dream. Yes indeed. William's new girlfriend, Stephanie, is signing her end of the paperwork today. That means that I am next. HIV results came in negative. I'm swimming in you. This warm air breezing past my skin right now here in my little studio apartment, the base vibrations I feel from the music playing on my speakers are you.
Sent: Thursday, July 31, 2003 2:15 AM
Subject: Re: what a week
–A few more days.
Sent: Thursday, July 31, 2003 2:43 PM
Subject: Re: foolish ramblings
The paperwork arrived unexpectedly today. Tomorrow I speak with the loan agent who will tell me exactly what to do with them. William's girlfriend will sign hers tomorrow as well. Then it will take only a couple of days for the mess to process into my freedom!
Sent: Tuesday, August 05, 2003 8:26 PM
Subject: Re: treasure
It’s signed, notarized and sent. We predict the rest will be done in about 2 days. I’m so tired now, more tomorrow.
Sent: Wednesday, August 06, 2003 10:10 PM
Subject: Re: little girls
No, I’m sorry, no hints. I've still got parts to complete before I actually begin painting. You can see it when it’s done. In-person.
Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2003 11:22 AM
Subject: Re: integral
Wow, things are progressing, and in other news, I found a shop in Hollywood. The rent is ridiculously inexpensive. Moving will take some time away from my work, and then there are the plans that you and I have, which I guess really aren’t plans since you haven’t said anything other than to get a passport. Time is of the essence in regard to my renting this space and I really feel like it’s right. But it’s important that everything falls in line correctly, and you are a very important part of that line. So I'd like your input. The space is just off the Boulevard and it has a giant window for me to look out of. Please let me know if this idea screws up any plans you have made, and if so how we can work it out.
Sent: Thursday, August 14, 2003 3:42 PM
Subject: RE: integral
Well, just so you know, the offer was too sweet. I do believe I have the space secured, but I am unsure about the landlord's formalities. If everything rolls smoothly, the move should occur soon. My own atelier! I found out that’s what it’s called when an artist hast a shop. The extra space will be so sweet. To answer your question, it's early, I've yet to hear more house news, but I do believe some more should come later today.
Sent: Thursday, August 14, 2003 8:14 PM
Good evening my love! I wanted to send a note, letting you know that the shop-space is officially mine. I got a late call from the landlord. Now it’s time to shell out the dough and clean the place up. Anyway, I did not hear from you, but I will assume you are working very hard and completely inspired by my courage and the tremendous efforts and strides I have made and taken. No, I know why you’re ignoring me, you are just so nervous about meeting me that your hands tremble far too much to type.
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 8:10 PM
Subject: Re: address
I'm in the middle of moving but your stress about meeting me is very flattering. It’s good to finally have word from you. I'll fill you in soon. The kind maintenance manager is here and I can't keep him waiting. I love you so much.
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 8:49 PM
Subject: Thinking of You
Madness!!! I tell you this is all madness. I’ve been running like a crazy person since far too early this morning. I can't tell where my nerves come from. Here's the deal, the money won't be transferred to its location until Monday, no matter what. But our accounts are both with the same bank, so it may process faster than I was told. I will get it done first thing tomorrow morning because I just don't have the energy or time to run again to the bank. It doesn't matter anyway. Besides, I have to finish setting up the shop.
Your note of concern about what I will think about your “bachelor pad” made me happy all day. It was adorable. Personally, I get paper towels that have uplifting messages on them. And you bought new plants for me? I'm so flattered that I am worthy of new foliage.
Sent: Monday, August 25, 2003 10:16 AM
Subject: Re: no word?
I wired the money this morning. It’s a done deal. And picked up my passport. Can you believe it’s done?
Sent: Wednesday, August 27, 2003 12:11 PM
Subject: Recruiting art dealers.
I appreciate your striving for perfection, but it won’t matter to me if you have the correct kitchen utensils or not. Meanwhile, I moved the majority of my artwork into the shop. All that I have left here are my desk, computer and fan. I also have a lot of computer work to get done. I’ve got to run!
Sent: Wednesday, August 27, 2003 3:01 PM
Subject: Needing more than pure love taints the love.
Oh God. The deal is finally and completely done, aside from the money transfer. There was a misunderstanding so I have to go sort that out now. It’s really not a problem. Essentially it is done. Now I can answer you questions. Like I said, I don't care if your place is super clean although I appreciate the effort. In regard to food, I eat anything. I love bugs so I don't care about the ants in your kitchen. I don’t care what kind of soap I use but have a preference for anything almond or oatey if given a choice. Okay I’ve got to run. Ugh, I'm a big sweaty pig. I need a shower but I've got to get this move done by tonight. I'm nearly done! I'll check my messages again later this evening.
Sent: Thursday, August 28, 2003 11:24 AM
Subject: RE: Recruiting art dealers.
Moving! Change in process. I may do the final-final work in selling the house today too. I wish I heard from you, but I understand.
Sent: Tuesday, September 02, 2003 3:52 PM
Subject: Fwd: Undeliverable Mail
So the house is no longer mine. Finally. I keep thinking it’s done then something else pops up. The paperwork that will clear me from some "semantics" as Ms Schroeder (the loan agent) called it is completed and on the way, so it is done.
Sent: Tuesday, September 02, 2003 4:27 AM
Subject: Fwd: failure delivery
You are right. I know this, and I am concerned about the same thing. The paperwork is on its way here. Monday is the day. The letter is on the way. I am trying not to be paranoid about things, you know? Yes indeed I am consumed. Indeed consumed.
Sent: Thursday, September 04, 2003 11:45 PM
Subject: Re: little note
I can't seem to do any of the things that have normally been my routine. I was so “Hollywood” yesterday because I went to yoga to try and release some energy and relax or something. My friend has a yoga shop and I traded a couple of paintings for some sessions. It was good to see her.
Sent: Friday, September 19, 2003 4:54 PM
Subject: First Date
Wednesday is a very good day for you to visit. Aside from the fact that I don’t care what day you choose, it gives me the weekend to get this darn place in order once and for all! I’ll feel so much better though when that paper is signed. I was on the verge of tears about it earlier today.
Sent: Monday, September 22, 2003 3:58 PM
Subject: Re: holy cow!
Oh-my-god. I nearly tied a brick to my foot and plunged myself into this two foot fountain outside my window when the Fedex man came with my new cell phone but no word on the paperwork. Thankfully, when I got on the phone to address the fact that it had not arrived, a very helpful woman who worked for the bank was just tops and swung a major sweet one in my direction. The paperwork is now signed, sealed, notarized and shall be delivered first thing tomorrow morning.
Sent: Wednesday, September 24, 2003 8:58 AM
Subject: Re: Time Date Line
Oopsy-daisy? That’s what you have to say after standing me up? Oopsy-daisy?
Sent: Friday, September 26, 2003 1:59 AM
Subject: RE: Time Date Line
I'm sorry, but you are turning out to be too much work, and I must move on with my life. I've worked so hard and you flaked on me and blamed it on a time difference? You have no idea how "ready" I am to meet you. I am like a drone going through all the motions because of this, and I hate it. I hate being on hold. Enough "pain-inspiration" enough "character development,” or whatever you think this is. Honestly. It's your turn now. Shut up. No more words, I require action. This time I am the one who doesn’t want to hear any "lovey-dovey" talk. At this point I will be consoled when you are more than faith and data.
When expectations are crushed it is just hard. I hope you understand where I am coming from, as so much of my days are lived on the “inside” of myself, although I talk to people, I do talk to people but no one comes close to comparing to what you are to me. I wont give up my faith and belief in that, but your words seem so painfully casual and carefree in the light of these delays, when each one breaks my heart a little bit more.
I know that you've worked hard too, and I believe that you are more troubled than you let on, but you told me a long time ago that you would never let me down. So I ask that you keep your word.
I love you, and it is so awfully hard to say that now because I fear you will never arrive. And I know that fears are the opposite of what I need. But courage means being afraid and doing it anyway.
I love you,
Sent: Friday, September 26, 2003 10:32 AM
Subject: RE: Time Date Line
I have not heard from you so I imagine you are either on your way or exhausted but I demand your presence regardless of energy levels! It's been one peculiarly fine morning.
Sent: Friday, September 26, 2003 7:35 PM
Subject: RE: Time Date Line
Oh how odd, I was thinking of New York last night. So what is the latest on your time there? I imagine I can get across the states if you cannot get back. I have to frame a piece and ship it today and I am sure that I can figure out a way to get over there. So let me know.
Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2003 4:14 PM
Subject: Re: gift
As far as this new dealer is concerned, I hear it is a young guy who may or may not be interested in selling work, he’s in Northern California. I'd love for anyone to try and sell my work, of course, but it sounds like some kind of scheme William is in the midst of, for who knows what reason, and I just cannot allow myself to get near to his ideas and concerns anymore. Although he acknowledges how in regard to relationships he's "fucked up,” he makes another point to stress that he's comfortable that way. I’m not cool with that at all. For one, I don't feel comfortable doing business with him, of course I don't. And secondly, when he says that he hopes for his new girlfriend to be "fucked up on her own so he doesn't have to convince her to do things like he did with me" (direct quote) I just feel sick. You must understand that my involvement in his life gives him a feeling of intimacy that I can no longer allow him to feel. I've done a one-eighty and I am not going around that circle again in any way shape or form. It’s time for him to figure things out on his own – no one else can do it for him. If I've learned anything, it's that.
Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2003 9:53 PM
Subject: Re: a dirty bit
I’m glad William has moved on. At this point believe me, I really do not care about the what’s and why’s, just that he is doing his own thing. He wanted to come to see my work and I did not want him to visit without a companion, so he chose not to come.
Sent: Wednesday, October 01, 2003 2:28 AM
Subject: Re: sugar
Sorry, I no longer need to explore that avenue. I don’t want to have sex with strange men and tell you about it. I'll take being weak if that is your definition of who I am now. There are a lot of ways to feel excited. I've learned that I'm interested in those that include respect. In being my true self it is hard enough to command that among men especially, especially as I am interested in honest dialog and breaking down limiting ideas that often pin women / people down to labels; something I myself have been so guilty of. I'm going for my own version of stable now. I am waiting for you, and that's that.
Sent: Wednesday, October 01, 2003 4:07 PM
Subject: RE: sugar
Yes! It is a hard thing for me! But even the thought of being with anyone is not possible anymore. It is you that I want.
P.S. I do not like you to offer me that sort of “relief” as an option for satisfaction while you are away. Don't do it anymore.
Sent: Sunday, November 02, 2003 2:09 PM
Subject: good gauge and bad gauge
Aren't you eager to begin? I am very confused by your behavior. I can't see the reason for such delay after all that we’ve done. Are you frightened? Or do you not feel the same? I want to be released from you so often but hope wont stop whispering in my ear. I deserve your honesty, painful or not. I am waiting for you.
Sent: Tuesday, November 04, 2003 2:23 PM
William came for a spontaneous visit yesterday. At one distinct point I really understood what you said about our old friends being a gauge to see how we've changed. It is so very interesting to suddenly feel the clash between us, and it’s strong. Violently strong and I could never see it before because I needed him. He needs me to need him and I don't anymore. It was an uncomfortable but important day. I am so pleased to know the things he used to say, that used to seem to cause my back to instantly break in compromise now makes me laugh in disbelief.
On the other side of things, I can see how I held him back. He is looking more like he always said he wanted to. I wanted a genius obsessed with his work, far too concerned with thoughts of creation to concern himself with his looks.
He and I both realized that our segregation from the outside world at that time caused us to create our own separate world with its own separate rules. I’ve had to bring the reality he and I developed on our own into the one that existed outside of it, outside of us. –The one I’m living in now. And relative to that, I look very much forward to clashing my own perceptions of you with the reality of you.
Okay, the handyman is here to light the pilot light on my heater. Talk to you later.
Sent: Wednesday, November 05, 2003 3:30 PM
Subject: RE: good gauge and bad gauge
I'm sorry I even wrote you this morning. Just go away. You are not here and you are supposed to be. You promised me several times and you broke your promise. Surely you have advice for that kind of behavior, you have advice for everything.
I'll be glad to give absolutely everything back to William, the house, the cars. Have I missed anything? At least when he has everything he’ll have no reason to contact me, and I’ll be as far as possible from this twisted bullshit we've got going on. One thing I just don’t understand is why the fuck do you care so much?
Sent: Tuesday, November 11, 2003 2:22 PM
Subject: RE: good gauge and bad gauge
This is just building into a gigantic snowball of unrealistic expectations allowing our minds to wander into our own perceptions. I have come to realize that missing and wanting you here with me is far more of a distraction than a benefit, as this portion of my work is less about introspective creation where pain is useful and more of a time when just having your actual companionship will be a comfort in the midst of the complications I've got no choice but to work through. I am preparing my shop’s official opening and from your email I sense that you are in a similar work mode. Do you see that this is actually an extraordinarily ideal time for us to come together?
So I'd like to make a proposal, one weekend, this weekend. Surely you can spare the time. We must both accept that our love life has to be a priority. Friday, November twenty-first at seven p.m. You come to my apartment. I will cook. I have a bed, a plant, a kitchen and a bathroom – all we need. RSVP.